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Rejection
September 8, 2011Rejected. I was hoping that it would be the start of another story, but it seems i was wrong. hay, akala ko eto na. somehow, sad. but then who am i para magreklamo sa plan ni God? nakakainis lang na masyado ko umasa to the point na nangangarap na without the assurance na magkakatotoo yun. wala pa ngang start ending na agad. sadness 
Weird
July 21, 2011July 21, 2011, 4:01 am
Na-disorient na naman ako. Bakit na naman ba? Ano ba problema at kailangan pa ulit na maramdaman ka sa panaginip? Nawiwirduhan na ko.
First, parang high school days scene. we’re classmates pero di nagpapansinan, particularly ako. I was worried with the lessons kase i cant seem to understand. di ako matahimk so I went to a friend and borrowed some notes, which coincidentally have been lent to you. I saw na nasa may bandang likod ka lang pala ng seat ko. i dare not look at you in the entire scenario. but i know i was aware of your presence in the room.
Second, aftermath na. i went to your place with an alibi na i was visiting the family. there was a scene, family problem, nagiiyakan na sila. i dont know what to do. im thinking kung makikialam ako even if i know for a fact that im totally out of the picture. i didnt expect na darating ka; i even wished na wag kang makita, but then dumating ka. amid all the drama, nagtanong ka lang kung bakit ako nandon. so casual. with all that’s going on, parang wala lang nangyari, same old biruan and light lang ang atmosphere. niyaya mo kong umalis. para makaiwas sa gulo. like before. may naiwan ako and you tried to dissuade me from going back but i insisted and even threatened na lalayasan ka. you gave in, you waited. we went to a place, sa quiet room nga yata pero may mga high schoolers or something who are on a fieldtrip yata. then, here comes a female acquaintance of yours na binati ka with the side comment na parang andyan na naman yan. not the exact words pero parang ganon. ive heard of the lines before, weird. i knew instantly na pinatatamaan ako. you excused yourselves and kung ano ano naisip ko na pinaguusapan nyo. then i decided na umalis without saying goodbye. i just left the set of jewelries/accessories na ibinigay sa ken. pagbalik, actually andun pa ko but behind a wall. i would want to see the reaction (i was ready, i guess) but then…
dapat nang putulin ang pananaginip. nag-ring ang alarm ng phone ko. hahaha.
ang mas weird pala is this guy friend of mine na laging nasa ending ng stories. the first was sya yung katabi ko sa seat during the class, assisting me of the lessons and assuring me that everything will be alright.
and then on the second, parang i was a damsel in distress and he seems to be the one to save me. after the embarassment, i checked daw my fb account and there i saw about 10 or 20 wall posts from this guy friend about his feelings for me raw. eeewww. cant understand bakit sya nadadamay when in reality naman bihira kame magcommunicate. he used to be a very closed friend but then we lost the bond so why now?
feels weird lang. and actually, it is weird.
Sign
June 14, 2011June 10, 2011, 5:09 am
It’s a bad sign, I think. Im starting to have dreams of you again. Still, i see myself savoring every moment of time spent together. Alam mo kung ano lang pinagkaiba ngayon? For me to say na somehow im really ok without you? Yung realization palagi na there’s really no chance of going back to the old times. Yeah, somehow may taboo topics pa din, parang i still cant open up on that or maybe that’s a way — my way — of showing indifference. parang i wouldn’t want to know becasue i really don’t care naman.
Miss?
May 6, 2011, 4:46 am
Hays. Miss ko ba? somehow. in a way. but i think what i really misses is a company. not a specific one really. miss ko lang lang siguro yung state of having someone or being with someone. tagal naman yatang dumating ni mr right. tagal namang magparamdam. haha. i feel so pathetic. hehe. but seriously speaking, minsan may times na ganon. pero madalas din naman yung time na im ok. im satisfied with being with myself lang. with having a lot of “me” yime and spending more time with my family. lately ko nga lang talaga sila napagtuunan ng pansin kase as long as i remember, it has always been na hindi sila ang priority ko. iba nga talaga nagagawa ng pag-ibig. sabi nga ni balagtas sa florante at laura: o pagsintang labis na makapangyarihan, sampung mag-aama’y iyong nasasaklaw. pag ikaw ay nasok sa puso ninuman, hahamakin ang lahat masunod ka lamang.
Through
May 5, 2011May 5, 2011, 1:39 am
Oo naman. Im through with my mourning. im done with being bitter, of thinking about the what ifs and what could have beens. perhaps i have really accepted all. im past the denial stage. eh anong petsa naman na ba kase? kumusta naman kung hanggang ngayon eh nananatili pa din ako sa sinabi ko nga non na “deep rot”. how pathetic would i be kung after all the years ganon pa din pala. That’s so 2008 and its 2011 na. Honestly, i dont think about you na. di gaya dati na kahit sa panaginip nanggugulo ka. tahimik na ang buhay. im at peace more than ever. masarap rin pala yung mag-isa. yung sarili mo lang iniisip and hindi ka accountable sa ibang tao. ang dami ko din pala na-missed dati. but then wala akong pinagsisisihan sa mga nangyari. kase somehow, it made me a stronger and better person. and for the nth time, sasabihin ko ulit that i believe that i am where i am because this is where God wants me to be at this very moment in time. yeah, sometimes I still feel that there’s a missing part, but then when i think about going into a relationship again nang ganon ganon lang, i still think na it would be unfair not just for the next person but for myself as well.
Why?
February 9, 2011, 12:17:40
Why oh why? Bakit nanggulo ka na naman sa panaginip ko? Oh well, nanggulo nga ba? Actually, not really. Kase kahit sa panaginip lang, ganun pa din pala ang epekto mo sa ken. Naramdaman ko na masaya ko nung kasama kita. Well, kahit pa nga dun sa panaginip ayaw na sa yo ng buong pamilya ko, na pinagsabihan na ko nang harapan. Na kahit pa nga kinuwento mo na di kayo maayos nung kinumusta kita, na sabi mo wala din, somehow alam mo ba naramdaman ko nun? parang gusto kong sabihin sa yo na bakit di mo ko binalikan? haha. pero hindi, nung nagparamdam ka sa ken dinerecho naman na kita na wala na, ayoko na. and totoo naman yun. ang gusto ko lang that time was that ienjoy yung moment. yung gumawa ng way para magtagal pa yung time natin together. aaminin ko, masaya ko nun. but then dreams are just dreams. bakit nga ba kita napanaginipan pa eh wala naman na kong balak i-renew ang ties natin? i mean romantical ties. bakit ko nga ba iisipin na you’re not in good terms when reality shows naman na malayong mangyari yun dahil recently nga lang di ba the account was deleted? wahaha. wala na!
Closed book
January 28, 2011
Gimik!
January 7, 2011January 6, 2011, 2:53 am
hayz, feeling bagets naman ako nito. kilig-kiligan! hahaha.
nakakamiss naman talaga yung loveteam ni rico and juday. forever ricky-dianne talaga ko! Certified Gimik! fanatic. i miss the 90s era. namiss ko si rico yan, kase next to aga, sya lang yata naging celebrity crush ko. grabe, showbiz na showbiz dating ko nito. can’t help it eh. wala naman kaseng trabaho so google lng ng gogle and then i came across this website about papa rico and yun na nga, paguwi ng bahay, youtube agad ng gimik! eps and ng movie nila together. i can still remember the kilig feeling. kahit napanood ko na dati, nakakarelate pa din ako. parang elementary days or early hs pa lang yata ako that time. hay, sad lang talaga kase untimely yung death ni papa rico. kung hindi kaya nangyari yun ano na nga kaya sya ngayon? sino kaya nakatuluyan nya? wahh! feeling ko talaga close din ako kay papa rico, nakakahinayang. and feel ko rin na im part of the gimik! barkada kase nakikitawa ko, nakikiiyak and syempre kilig nung pinapanood ko yung mga scenes nila together. hay, kaya kung nasan ka man ngayon papa rico, i know naman na masaya ka and i hope kahit pano tulungan mo naman ako to find the one. hahaha. yun pala yun eh! but honestly talaga, feeling ko ngayon totoo pa din sila ricky and dianne. i love their love story. medyo pumangit na nga lang nung latter part kase kailangan iwan ni dianne yung show. pero i know solid fan pa din nila ko. i like their ‘pangga’ term of endearment. unique pa yun dati and hindi pa ginagamit ng isang radio station. ah basta i like all their episodes together. kung pwede nga lang i-bring back yung time bakit ba naman hindi. i so am affected. day dreaming activated! 
Realization
December 30, 2010, 4:38 am
Now im realizing i had been wrong all along. ang tanga ko din para magpakatanga. hay… di bale, i still have plenty of time para bumawi. God is with me.
Vacation mode
December 29, 2010December 29, 2010, 4:52 am
Sh*t wala talaga ko sa mood magtrabaho. kainis! ayaw gumana ng utak ko! on vacation mode pa yata ako. hay…
pwede bang umiyak na lang? pwede pa ba kong magbreakdown? pwede pa bang mag-emo? tatawad lang ako tutal di pa naman new year. next year na ko magsisimula. affected kase ko sa song. beautiful in my eyes. gusto kong umiyak, promise.
yeah, i remember i had another dream. ano nga ba meaning ng dreams? may meaning nga ba sila? do they have any relation sa reality? i wanna move forward, pano ba? right? left?
I miss
December 17, 2010, 10:38 pm
i miss JLL. i miss having a family. i miss going out. i miss everything (except for the compensation). hay, nagsisisi ba ko sa naging decision ko? actually hindi naman, kase i badly needed change that time, aside from the offer syempre. pero kung tutuusin kase mas happy ako noon. happy ako na somehow may social life ako. na may friends ako hindi lang professionally kundi personally. miss ko yung mga night outs ng grupo. kase ngayon wala eh. purely business lang relationship ko with my colleagues. tapos kung tutuusin din, hindi ko naman nagagamit mga natutunan ko kase sobrang minimal naman ng editing tasks na binibigay sa ken. yeah, sure, its a welcome challenge and experience yung copywriting pero madalang na din naman yun ngayon. buti na nga lang may freelance ako para kahit pano nasasanay pa din ako sa pageedit. hay, i miss some company. matagal tagal na din naman na magisa lang ako. dapat nga yata humanap na ko ng bago. kailangan ko ng change of environment ulit. ng change of work, ng change of people, change of attitude. basta i miss my spi family. kung pwede nga lang di na ko papasok just to be with them. miss ko na yung inuman sessions namen. kase once upon a time nagbuhos din naman ako ng feelings ko sa kanila and dun ko na-feel how they care about me and how strong my support system is. i know they understand me and sana sa mga future happenings, di pa din nila ko makalimutan. sana makasama pa din ako. hay, what will my future be? next year, kailangan isaayos ko na lahat. kailangang ayusin ko na buhay ko. but from now, i still have 14 days na magstay sa comfort zone ko. next year, there’ll be a new me… an updated version of me sabi nga sa song.
Death
December 17, 2010
December 17, 2010, 1:53 am
Ok, so it was not my officemate who met an accident last night but her boyfriend. anyhoo, i was still saddened. Heartbreak is painful, all the more losing someone na mahal mo and mahal ka pa din. at least kung iniwanan ka (literally), alam mo na one way na lang ang relationship and it was really bound to end. pero with death - of someone na kasama mong bumuo ng pangarap - parang it was so devastating. pano nga kaya kinakaya ni officemate yun? ang bubbly pa naman nya. pano nya hinahandle ang mabyuda nang wala pa namang kasal? so sad talaga.
Caffeine overload
December 11, 2010December 11, 2010, 12:16 am
Second bottle of caffeine na ko. parang masama na to ah. una cobra then ngayon coke zero. kumusta naman ang figure. haha. para one of them na din ako ngayon ah, conscious sa diet. wahh! i really need to lose weight.
As of 4:02 am
Third dose of caffeine: (1) energy drink, (2) softdrinks, (3) brewed coffee… + sterilized milk. Kumusta naman talaga. So tired.
Antok
December 10, 2010, 11:35 pm
Grabe, super inaantok na talaga ko! pano ba ko tatagal ng hanggang 8 am nito? kahirap! halos 2 hours pa lang tulog ko since tuesday ba o wednesday. kaloka naman pag ganito.
Anyway, kase naman dapat nakaleave na ko kaso di na-approve. panira ng trip kaya eto ang hirap maidilat mata ko. super retail therapy kase ako kanina. sana lang kasya mga binili. not sure of my weight na kase ngayon. ang taba ko na nga yata. kaso di ko naman ma-discipline sarili ko na magdiet. i just cant resist eating. wahhh! kailangan pumayat ako by christmas! hehe.
Ano pa ba pwede kong ikwento? ayun, napipilitan tuloy akong i-post yung blog entry ko sa comment section muna ng isang post kase di ko maaccess yung i.ph dito sa office. laging nag-eerror tapos refresh ng refresh every 60 seconds so nababalewala lang lahat. kailangan mabilisan. ni hindi nga ako makapaglog in eh. eh dito lang naman ako sa office may luxury of time kaya might as well gamitin para makapag-blog somehow.
hay, wala namang sense mga pinagsasasabi ko. more than 8 hours pa ko dito sa office. gusto ko na lang talagang bumagsak sa kama at matulog.
Self analysis
December 9, 2010, 10:43 pm
Di nga, yung totoo? Ano nga ba naramdaman ko? Nasaktan ba ko? Malungkot ba? Relief? Oh well, ayokong mag-overanalyze kase sarili ko lang ulit ang magugulo. Ang alam ko lang was that it was meant to be. It was part of God’s plan and happy ako somehow na natanggap ko sya. It was a realization on my part. I realized na kaya ko naman pala, kaya ko na pala. Ano nga ba ang nangyari? Bakit bigla akong nagbukas ng fb? Siguro nga way na din ni God yun para sabihin sa ken na “Ok ka na, kaya mo nang malaman, kaya mo nang makita. Para naman matahimik ka somehow, so that you know at di ka nahuhuli sa balita.” Di lang kase talaga ko makatulog kanina. Sabi ko tatapusin ko na lang muna yung trabaho bago ko matulog pero di ako makapagconcentrate. So nagbrowse ako ng fb and then this feed showing a picture na kinomentan ng friend ko caught my attention. sabi ko time naman na siguro so i checked. and yun na nga, tanggap ko naman na and ng lahat. siguro ang mahirap lang for me is that iniisip ko masyado yung kung ano ang iniisip ng iba. ayoko kase ng naaawa sila sa ken or yung pinaguusapan ako behind my back. yun lang nga siguro ang inaalala ko kaya nagiging mahirap for me. may inaalagaan kase akong image. pero aside from that, wala naman na talaga. i dont have any intention na bumalik pa dati. sobrang iba na ng situation. and to be really really honest, natuwa ako. kase it was what i have wanted. sabi ko kase otherwise kawawa lang kung may madadagdag na naman na manloloko. bitter ka ‘te? hehe. and from what i saw, cute sya in fairness. but i dont see any trace but from her. siguro nga loving lang talaga ko sa mga ganon. so i think eto na yung time na iwan na talaga lahat. aaminin ko nagbreakdown ulit ako kay God. not because nanghihinayang ako or something. but because nakukulangan ako sa buhay ko. sa totoo lang, wala pa din naman talaga kong balak magsettle down; ang dami ko pang gustong mangyari sa buhay ko before that. ang dami dami ko pang naiisip gawin and mangyari pero parang wala pa ko kahit sa first step. sa ngayon siguro, ang gusto ko lang is to share. pahinga muna nga ako, i know that for a fact. di ako naghahanap. a shoulder to cry on lang siguro. haha. cry on daw oh! erase, erase, erase. it should be a shoulder to lean on lang. kaw na kaya yun? (hahaha. as if naman may nagbabasa nito bukod sa ken!)
My playlist
December 5, 2010December 4, 2010, 4:29 am
anghel sa lupa
i really dont know pero the first time na narinig ko tong kantahin nya i instantly assumed na it was dedicated to her. that’s the point na narealize ko na may mga hindi ako alam about him. it was sad. kase with the song’s message it was as if ayaw na nyang mahiwalay. until now naalala ko pa yung feling na ganon whenever i hear the song. yeah, i admire him somehow, kase pinaglaban lang nya yung nararamdaman nya. good thing he found the one. i really hope he’s happy now. and that’s it. hanggang dun na lang. wala ng iba. dont wanna be friends or anything. ayoko.
Lips of an angel
Yeah, this was dedicated to me. and i hate it. sinabi ko na sa kanya to dati pa. i hate the message of the song kase at the end ako pa din ang talo. ako na lang ang kontrabida, ako yung nanggugulo. nabaliktad na. sorry, naglalabas ako ng hinanakit ko. next year kase im positive na hindi na ganito. this date would be insignificant by then. except that fiesta sa men. yun na lang.
Ikaw lang ang aking mahal
Ilang beses ko tong kinakanta tuwing nagvivideoke tayo, remember? akala ko kahit pano nakuha nya yung gusto kong message. that time totoo yun, ikaw lang. but then ngayon iba na. ibang iba na. hindi na.
Kamusta ka
Once in a while, i wanna ask, kamusta ka na ba? kung sana pwede tayong maging friends pa. kung sana naging maayos lang ang lahat. kung sana hindi ako ginulo baka sakali pa. but then the harm has been done.
There’s no easy way
Naging mabait naman ako until the end di ba? eto yung drama di ba? there’s no easy way. pero kahit ganon, ginusto ko naman na maging maayos ang ending di ba? akala ko ok na nun, nagkaintindihan naman na tayo di ba? i got the closure i needed and maayos na sana. sayang lang talaga, kase may nanggulo, sumama lang tuloy pagtingin ko. tsk. tsk.
I won’t hold you back
it tells everything. i just wanna be remembered. nothing more, nothing less. i won’t hold you back. never again. ayoko na. tapos na. period.
Syndrome
December 4, 2010, 2:57 am
I dont wanna be sentimental but i guess this is just my nature so i’ll just let it be. This would be the first time that i would not totally celebrate this day for that particular reason. anyway, may alibi naman ako kase fiesta naman talaga sa men. hay, kung tutuusin di ba ilang years din when this particular day has been the most memorable for me? so much for the reminiscing. actually sa ilang taon naman na yun, kelan nga ba naman talaga kame nakapagcelebrate sa mismong araw at yung celebration talaga? ewan ko! nanaginip na naman kase ko kanina. there’s something that i missed and i know its not about the person. siguro i just miss being on a company. i should be breaking that habit by now.
just some thoughts… kahit ba minsan naaalala mo ko? na-miss mo man lang ba yung company ko? has there been a time na nagsisi ka and nanghinayang sa mga nangyari? you know what, kung may isa lang dyan na ‘yes’ ang sagot, i would be more than satisfied. kahit pano kase it’ll boost my self-esteem, na for some time eh nawala sa ken just because you made me feel na wala akong kwentang tao, na i was worthless. yun lang naman. kase i dont have any intention of making you a part of my life again. bitter na naman ba labas ko? sigh! this is sh*t! drama, drama, drama.
Hahaha. 3 am na naman kase, ano ba! syndrome na ba ito?
At three in the morning
December 1, 2010December 1, 2010, 3:01 am
i know i just need to let this out. well, how does it feel to be cheated on? to be betrayed? and worse, by the person whom you gave your 100% trust? by someone who promised you, or perhaps just made you believe, in a lifetime together?
hanggang ngayon pala it still hurts. the pain is still there. lesser as time goes by, but nevertheless, it still remains. would i want to know the reasons pa? i dont think so. coz im afraid it’ll just bring out more questions and will only complicate things.
im better this way. im enjoying the freedom, although may times na ganito. wala naman kaseng magawa dito sa work tas at 3 am pa. senti mode pa background music. haha.
anyway, ok na ulit. mga 5 minutes lang na low moment and then ok na ulit. no sense naman kase. not worth it. 
Drama
November 27, 2010, 3:43 am
am i sad? no, just alone.
am i ok? yes, just ok.
am i happy? nah, but im good; im better.
listening to CB’s songs is getting into me.
positive vibes please!
Long-overdue post
November 13, 2010This was supposed to be posted several weeks ago kaya am not sure if this still applies. Anyway, better late than never…
I don’t really know if the recent events all point out to the one big moment of reconciliation or whatsoever. I still believe that God will not allow it to happen unless i am fully healed, unless i am ready. i don’t know but perhaps these things somehow prepare me for the inevitable. things just seem happening all at once.
January 27, 2011, 3:09 am
siguro nga sometimes somehow i miss having company. yung pwede mong ayain kahit saan or any time. but then sanay naman na kong maging independent. walang pakialamanan sabi nga sa culture ng UP. kaya alam ko na kaya ng sarili ko. siguro yun din dahilan minsan kung bakit mahirap magopen up sa ibang nagtatangka. kase kaya ko naman eh. i have my will. and i know i have a strong will kaya nung tinanong nila ko, yun pa rin ang sagot ko at hindi magbabago yun. i know that for sure sa sarili ko. ganito na talaga ko eh. the right one should accept me for who i am. ang bottomline ng post na to? wala naman. im simply ok. steady lang. positive vibes! and oh, wala na sa ken lahat. napatawad na ba kita kahit walang apology? di ko masagot. basta kinakalimutan at kinalimutan ko na. closed book na ha. 
Naaalala pa din kita. sabagay, naging malaking parte ka naman talaga ng buhay ko. that i should accept. nakamove on na nga ba talaga ko? can i really say na ok na ko? di ko alam. all i know is that i am stronger now. na somehow, im proud kase nakaya ko lahat ng pinagdaanan ko. kala ko dati hindi ko kakayanin na mawala ka sa buhay ko. akala ko noon hindi ko kaya kaya pinilit kong wag bumitaw. or kung in some instances bumitaw ako, alam ko kase non na madali lang bumalik. kaya tama lang na nagkaron ako ng malaking reason para tumigil na talaga at tanggaping hindi talaga tayo para sa isat isa. alam mo nakakapanghinayang pa din somehow. ayoko pa din syang i-analyze, intindihin o hanapin ang mga sagot sa napakarami kong tanong kase ayoko nang magulo pa ulit buhay ko. hindi ko sasabihing masayang masaya na ko sa buhay ko ngayon, pero tanggap ko lahat; mas at peace ako ngayon compared nung last years na magkasama tayo. basta ang alam ko lang ngayon, this is the will of God. i am where iam right now because this is my right place on earth at this very moment. na we were just not meant to be. yun lang ang simpleng dahilan kung bakit nagkahiwalay tayo. but i know and i firmly believe that one day i’ll find my match. sabi nila wala na daw perpektong tao ngayon. hindi naman kase perfect na tao hinahanap ko eh; yung right person lang for me. yung tutumbasan yung kung ano yung kaya ko. sabi pa nila di na daw uso yung mga tulad ko. hahaha. natatawa lang ako. kase i have faith in God na someday, one day ibibigay nya yung nararapat for me. alam ko yun. naniniwala ako dun. ewan ko ba. kase parang minamadali nila ko. when in fact, im still enjoying the new experience, the freedom, the moment with family, friends and myself. kase aminado naman ako na ive never experienced being single for the longest time kaya ngayon pa lang ang moment ko. pagbigyan na.